Or at least I wish it did. Every evening/night I talk myself into becoming the best me I could possibly be. This involving everything from exercising, to meditation, about being a better mother, everything. BUT I start off on my pity pot, do the woe is me dance but am managing to snap out of it sooner than before and start with the positive re-enforcements instead. I get myself all psyched but then morning comes and it's back to the same old me. Why me? I always get the raw deal, my life is so hard, lost 2 brothers, one 36 in 96 and the other 42 in 2000, I'm on compensation because of my back and they won't operate again because the first one didn't work and the risks don't out weigh the possible gain, have to find a job by March and can't even get myself to buy a fricken' paper to read the classifieds let alone apply for a job. My union messed right up because I should have a job to go back to but some mistakes with status has me now without a job.
It's an entire script that I run through daily. I want so badly to live in the today, in the now, and stop thinking about how things used to be, with family, work, etc. This tape is running in a loop in my head. I can't seem to stop focusing on the back then and start looking ahead instead. Every night I manage to snap out of it and think ok tomorrow it'll be different, but then tomorrow comes and it's back on the pot.
I'm looking forward to next week with my doctors appointment. She'll be trying different meds for my bi-polar because obviously things just arent' working out. The only thing is that it can take weeks to have the full effect to know if it's working or not, and if not it's start all over again with different drugs.
I just want to be normal, have a regular routine kind of life, that's all I want and pray for, but I must have been some kind of aweful because my prayers are not being heard, I can't even have that.

I can't believe I fell for it again. The ex-husband is nice to me once and by nice I mean something as simple as being friendly or respectful and I think he's changed and done with the games. I fell for it again. Kids are with me Xmas eve till the afternoon Xmas day, then they go with their dad. Our Xmas is out of town, about an hours drive. Well Ray asked that I have the kids back by 1:00 o'clock today. No problem right! Then he calls and says don't rush to be right on time the roads might be slippery. So here I am thinking ahhhhhhh that so nice his concern. Ya right. The kids and I get back here by 1:45 and he doesn't answer his home phone, cell phone, nothing. Only shows up at 6:30 to pick up the kids. What an asshole. So we spent Xmas day afternoon waiting for a phone call or a knock on the door instead of being with family. My son knows his dad an asshole and he's learnt not to expect much from him, but my daughter she still gets so sad with every let down. She was shedding tears most of the afternoon. Then just minutes ago I get a phone call, my daughter tell me her and her brother got a laptop for xmas...so all of a sudden he's a hero again. I can't stand it, I hate him so much, I can't wait for the kids to be real with him and tell him what they think. I'm just fuming I'm so pissed.

Well I can't believe it, I finally got off my fat ass and got some housework done last night. Not lots but got the office corner cleaned up and did some dusting. Now for most of you your impression right now is "ya so what's the big deal", well for me it is, was. I have no energy, no strenght to accomplish much of anything. Even posting an entry is difficult to get me motivated to sit down and do it. I try not to be too too hard on myself (i'm my biggest critic)but the days are so long and tedious when you spend most of your day trying to motivate yourself, trying to muster up the strenght, the energy to accomplish even the most minor of tasks, and then more often than not not getting fuck all done.
I don't get it tho...why is it so hard for me? I know the bi-polar, manic-depression has alot to do with it, but I mean come on already I have to talk myself into something so basic as watering my plants. I don't like living this way. I hate seeing my house in such disaray. I always go to bed saying tomorrow...tomorrow I will wake up with energy, and will get stuff done. I started taking multi-vitamins in case it's some sort of mineral difficiency of something, and I pray.
This praying thing...I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. I ask for help to get over these character defects of mine, so that I can get things done when they should be done. Some days I believe so strongly in my God that nothing could shake the faith and I can spend the entire day praying. Then there are those times when I think, what if it just isn't there (God). What if we die and that's it there's nothing else, or do we die and go to "heaven" or "hell". Maybe it's just a big joke! But I guess with that said my question to myself is "am I willing to risk my "salvation", stop praying, begging, pleading for help just to find out it's some big cosmic joke"
I don't think I'm asking for much. I just want to run a tidy clean home for me and my kids. I want to be able to not get embarassed by a huge mess if someone just drops by. Why is this so difficult for me. I guess I should also mention that I have had back surgery a few years back and still have another herniated disk so some things are painful for me to do. But even if it weren't, I think I'de still be the biggest procrastinator I know. It doesn't have to shine but at least be tidy, neat, and just that is so difficult to maintain. So I pray and ask for help. I hope my God will help me get out of this funk once and for all...I've had it just had it. Fuck someone slap me already, shake some sense into me and get me off my fat ass

Alrighty then...let's see how this goes...my life for all to see...or is it really a life, living, or only existing.
If this is living then it's a sad sad existence. I guess maybe I'm hoping that by writing things down and maybe sometimes getting some feedback things might change.
How do I go about exacting change in my life to better it. I want this with all my being... but when it comes time for action I seem to be frozen, paralyzed, as if not knowing what should be done. So I do what is safe...nothing. Stay home, inside, screen calls, isolate. If I don't talk to anyone then they can't tell me what I'm doing wrong or what I should be doing or what a disappointment I am.
Daily I fight depression, recently diagnosed as bi-polar, maniac depressive. I'm on zeprexa and prozac. It's better then when I wasn't on anything but yet still not really good...just there...