Well I can't believe it, I finally got off my fat ass and got some housework done last night. Not lots but got the office corner cleaned up and did some dusting. Now for most of you your impression right now is "ya so what's the big deal", well for me it is, was. I have no energy, no strenght to accomplish much of anything. Even posting an entry is difficult to get me motivated to sit down and do it. I try not to be too too hard on myself (i'm my biggest critic)but the days are so long and tedious when you spend most of your day trying to motivate yourself, trying to muster up the strenght, the energy to accomplish even the most minor of tasks, and then more often than not not getting fuck all done.
I don't get it tho...why is it so hard for me? I know the bi-polar, manic-depression has alot to do with it, but I mean come on already I have to talk myself into something so basic as watering my plants. I don't like living this way. I hate seeing my house in such disaray. I always go to bed saying tomorrow...tomorrow I will wake up with energy, and will get stuff done. I started taking multi-vitamins in case it's some sort of mineral difficiency of something, and I pray.
This praying thing...I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. I ask for help to get over these character defects of mine, so that I can get things done when they should be done. Some days I believe so strongly in my God that nothing could shake the faith and I can spend the entire day praying. Then there are those times when I think, what if it just isn't there (God). What if we die and that's it there's nothing else, or do we die and go to "heaven" or "hell". Maybe it's just a big joke! But I guess with that said my question to myself is "am I willing to risk my "salvation", stop praying, begging, pleading for help just to find out it's some big cosmic joke"
I don't think I'm asking for much. I just want to run a tidy clean home for me and my kids. I want to be able to not get embarassed by a huge mess if someone just drops by. Why is this so difficult for me. I guess I should also mention that I have had back surgery a few years back and still have another herniated disk so some things are painful for me to do. But even if it weren't, I think I'de still be the biggest procrastinator I know. It doesn't have to shine but at least be tidy, neat, and just that is so difficult to maintain. So I pray and ask for help. I hope my God will help me get out of this funk once and for all...I've had it just had it. Fuck someone slap me already, shake some sense into me and get me off my fat ass