Or at least I wish it did. Every evening/night I talk myself into becoming the best me I could possibly be. This involving everything from exercising, to meditation, about being a better mother, everything. BUT I start off on my pity pot, do the woe is me dance but am managing to snap out of it sooner than before and start with the positive re-enforcements instead. I get myself all psyched but then morning comes and it's back to the same old me. Why me? I always get the raw deal, my life is so hard, lost 2 brothers, one 36 in 96 and the other 42 in 2000, I'm on compensation because of my back and they won't operate again because the first one didn't work and the risks don't out weigh the possible gain, have to find a job by March and can't even get myself to buy a fricken' paper to read the classifieds let alone apply for a job. My union messed right up because I should have a job to go back to but some mistakes with status has me now without a job.
It's an entire script that I run through daily. I want so badly to live in the today, in the now, and stop thinking about how things used to be, with family, work, etc. This tape is running in a loop in my head. I can't seem to stop focusing on the back then and start looking ahead instead. Every night I manage to snap out of it and think ok tomorrow it'll be different, but then tomorrow comes and it's back on the pot.
I'm looking forward to next week with my doctors appointment. She'll be trying different meds for my bi-polar because obviously things just arent' working out. The only thing is that it can take weeks to have the full effect to know if it's working or not, and if not it's start all over again with different drugs.
I just want to be normal, have a regular routine kind of life, that's all I want and pray for, but I must have been some kind of aweful because my prayers are not being heard, I can't even have that.